A self-help post to myself

Things with the Actor are done. I'm a little cloudy on whether he was seeing someone else and pushed me away, or whether he realized we were getting too close and pushed me away, but it doesn't matter all that much. I know that I was wasting my time anyway. It's all good and fun to have a summer vacation fling, or even every so often that "I just need to get laid so get me to the Bar, stat" fling, but a fling+emotions+a cross-country move=disaster waiting to happen.

Either way, it's focus time. I am done with dating, at least momentarily. It occurred to me after things with The Actor abruptly ended that I have been flitting from one person to the next with no real clue of what I'm looking for in my own life or where I'm going. I might be able to tell you some qualities that I want in a man, but a guy not being in possession of those qualities doesn't usually stop me from "giving someone a chance."

You know what, I realize this is my fault. On Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Esteem comes after Love/Belonging. So technically, I'm right to keep being stuck on trying to find love before I worry about personal/professional success. But here's the Catch 22: men want a woman who already has confidence in herself and passion for something other than him, i.e. she has reached success on the "Esteem" level. I am aware that I have somewhat confused where "love" is supposed to be on these levels and maybe I've put "love" up there with "Esteem" and am sort of basing some of my measure of success on that level with how well I am doing in the dating world. I have dated a good 20 guys since last August when I broke up with the ex (and no, I didn't sleep with most of them, I'll have you know), and I need a break.

Not good. Basically I think I need to work on myself a little. I am going out with four different groups of people the next four nights in a row, and there is not one romantic prospect in sight. I have an interview in D.C. at the end of next week that I am excited and nervous and scared about. I am going to surround myself with people who like, love, or at least are mildly amused by me until I get out of this hellhole that is my job and do more than wait to be swept off my feet by the next Average Joe that walks around the corner. So I've composed a list of things I need to work on for ME, because I think I , like most women, focus A LOT on pleasing other people:

1.) Learn to breathe and take things one day at a time. You are not under as much pressure as you think you are.

2.) Wait for the right job. You do have a good skill set, charming personality, flexibility, and loyalty, and you CAN hold out until you find something fabulous.

3.) On that note, stop doubting yourself, period. If your friends drop off the earth for a few days they still care about you, they're just dealing with their own stuff.

4.) You are a good catch. You are smart, educated, pretty, funny, have a good job and are independent (well, mostly) and know how to have fun. You are leaps and bounds ahead of most people your age.

5.) Don't settle for some jerk who lives at home, is unemployed, is untrustworthy, leaves you hanging, or makes you feel like you have to chase him for his attention.

6.) Spend less time out at the bars. Feeling like shit the next day after a wild night that you can't remember that well is not helping your career, your body, or your love life. You'll save money, too.

So that's a pretty good list for now. I feel better already.

Ms. Cranky Pants

I am having a bad day and am in a bad mood. I wish I was British and then I could say things like "I'm in a right foul mood" or "I've got my knickers in a bunch so piss off" but I'm not, so I can't. But that's how I feel.

1.) I think The Actor is dating someone else. He didn't call me on Wednesday, then last night I called him and he said he was hanging out with the same guy he was supposed to be hanging out with on Wednesday. Not a good sign. Also realize that it is a problem that I am concerned he is seeing someone else. Had a good long talk with myself last night and reminded myself that he is:
a.) not my boyfriend
b.) not in love with me
c.) not going to be here in two months


2.) My windshield that I got 2 months ago is leaking and my car smells like mold. Looked at the receipt this morning and quel surprise!....a thirty day warranty.

3.) My hair is frizzy because the beautiful 80 degree weather we've been having the last few days has morphed into freezing cold rain.

4.) My times for the St. Patty's day celebration/festival/drinking extravaganza tomorrow got mixed up. Told several people the wrong times and got snippy with my roomate for failing to articulate the correct times initially.

5.) Have to come in to work tomorrow to host a college reporter. On St. Patty's day. At
10:00 a.m. On the plus side, I don't think I'll be drunk at that point.

6.) Slept on my shoulder wrong. Also I am hungry and it's still an hour or so till lunch. And I have a headache

7.) Am well aware of how today's attitude may carry over into tonight's birthday thing with The Actor and his friends. He hasn't seen my cranky pants side yet and I don't think it would be wise to bring this into play two weeks into our dating and in front of his friends. Also, I need to be careful to not get drunk and accuse him of seeing someone else.


Cheer me up please :(

In a Perfect World

I've been debating whether or not to blog about this new guy that I'm seeing. He has officially made it over a week in my life, and I like him very very much, but it seems like every time I blog about a boy he disappears. And that is embarrassing to me, and kinda makes me look like I meet a new guy every week. Which is kinda true, but I am not the one deciding things should end in a week.

But I can't face disappointing the three people who might actually read my blog, so I must soldier on. I met the Actor at the dodgeball bar two Thursdays ago. My roommate B. plays in an intramural sports league and it's dodgeball season! Dodgeball terrifies me, I was never the fastest kid and was not picked very often, so it brings up old humiliations. Plus I throw like a girl.

Anyways, I met the Actor the same night all that crap with Dodgeball guy (see last post) started. I may have made out with him in front of the bar, I may not have. I'm not saying anything else about it.

He is very California. I mean you look at him and you know this is no Virginian. His hair is perfect and his highlights are better than mine. He wears vintage t-shirts and cowboy boots and bootleg jeans and aviator sunglasses. He is laid back and appears to be flirting with everyone, so his sexuality is often questioned. Plus he drives a Scion, which can't help matters. He wants to be an actor and is from San Francisco.

You just don't meet people like this where I'm from. We've been hanging out a lot, I'd say once every 3 days to once every other day. The first night we went out he took me to a Cuban restaurant and we had mojitos and he sat on the same side of the booth as me and bought me flowers from a street vendor. He was funny and had a lot of stories and asked all the right questions.

The next time we hung out we went out for sushi. He made fun of my chopsticks skills and mentioned that he might be moving back to California if he was signed with the agency he wanted into. Apparently there aren't a lot of acting gigs (at least in movies) in Virginia.

Now we've hung out three more times since then. Last Thursday we returned to dodgeball bar, where inconveniently enough Dodgeball guy was not there to get it through his head that I was unavailable and to stop e-mailing me. Friday we hung out at my mom's since I am house sitting this week and watched movies and made out and went to Barnes and Noble. Sunday we went to Arby's and watched A Perfect World with Kevin Costner. He told me on Friday that he got the job in CA and will be moving back in about 2-3 months.

Shit shit shit. I finally meet someone good and I can tell that it's different, that there's a comfort level there and a sense of happiness just being around one another and you know, ease, that is so different from where I've been in such a long time, and he's going to leave and move 3000 miles away. I

know it's not the be all and end all, and I am trying my best to continue to meet other people because it might hurt a little less when he leaves, but it's very hard. I don't truthfully want to meet anyone else...and I know it's very early yet and a lot can happen in a couple of months and I'm in that googly-eyed-spend-all-your-time-together first stage, but still. It sucks. And it really sucks because I KNOW what I am doing to myself. I know I am setting myself up for such disappointment, but I can't stop! I just want to spend as much time with him as possible before he goes.

Also I need to gather secrets on him for when he becomes famous so I can write my tell-all memoirs.

Is e-mailing cheating?

I had met Dodgeball guy a couple of times out at the bar. Cute, scruffy, always checked me out but never really talked to me until last Thursday. I thought he was just shy, so I struck up a conversation while out with B. last week before her dodgeball game. He seemed interested, interesting, and had some potential, so i casually mentioned that I thought Dodgeball Boy was cute to B. in the bathroom:

Her: He has a girlfriend.

Me: That's cool, I just didn't know. Like a serious girlfriend? (I know, I am a total bitch)

Her: Yes, and she'll be here later.

Okkkkayyy then. Decided that was a bud that definitely needed nipping. Except that he kept coming up to me. I was introduced to the girlfriend, who was nice but suspicious (rightfully so I guess). Later, after he left, I was confronted by her in that "I'm trying to be a cool girl and act like I don't care and we're best friends as long as you don't fuck my man you stupid whore" kind of way. I appropriately responded:

"I would never do that, girlfriend! I just didn't know, and we're totally cool."

I thought that was the end of it. Not to be so.....

I had a message on Myspace the next day from him, apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye and saying that he had had fun talking to me, and asking if I would still give him a tour of where I work. I responded in a friendly but distant manner, replying that of course I would still give him a tour anytime and that I had to run. Except, I made one little teeny mistake: I gave him my phone number. Why I did this, I don't know. Maybe to say, "hey, i know you're with someone now, but if you ever aren't....." Or maybe just because I thought offering to give someone a tour and not giving them your contact info was rude and kinda fake. I don't know. Either way, that's not the message he got, I can assure you.

Of course, he called that night (I knew I should never pick up numbers I don't recognize, dammit!) I talked for awhile, and when he asked me to hang out, I definitely stopped things right there:

Me: What's up with you and your girlfriend? Are you breaking up or something?

Him: It's looking that way....we've been fighting a lot lately.

Me: Well if hanging out with me is something you wouldn't tell your girlfriend about, then I'm not really cool with that. I'm not that kind of person.

Him: So you're saying I can't really pursue anything until I'm done with that relationship?

Exactly, Einstein. So I thought that I had finally done the "I'm nice to flirt with , but not a homewrecker" thing. But here's the problem: the e-mails haven't stopped. He's been chatty, not coming on or anything, just friendly and conversational. But I can't help but feel like I'm doing something a little wrong. Does she know about this? Probably not. Am I flirting with him or just being friendly? Friendly, I think, but because she doesn't know is that by its very nature flirting?

And, is he just a nice guy who is lonely in his relationship and needs some friendship? OR, is he trying to keep someone (me) on the back burner until he decides that he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore? I mean, he could be having cyber sex with someone in a chat room...is that more or less cheating than a few friendly e-mails with someone you know?

Je ne sais pas....but I have a feeling I'm in dangerous territory.