I am wondering what the consensus is about a girl going out alone. It's Friday afternoon, and my few available friends are out of town. And yet, the prospect of the THIRD FRIDAY IN A ROW sitting at home alone is almost enough to make me cry sitting here at my desk.

Not looking for a pity party, but I am in serious need of martini therapy. It gets boring sitting at home. BUT I'm not sure about going out alone...can people tell you are alone or do you try to blend? Do you approach others or wait to be approached? What about when approached by super-creepy guys? Are you giving off the wrong impression (i.e. I want to be approached by creepy older men) just by sitting alone at the bar?

Why is it that men can go to the bar alone all the time and no one thinks of it? I would feel incredibly self-conscious, like I was being judged: "Why is she alone? Doesn't she have any friends?"

Clearly the fact that I am debating this in my head and on my computer doesn't bode well.

Thinking about change.....

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog. I know at least two people who have read it at least once. So I guess that's something.

I've recently joined MySpace, which is intoxicatingly addictive in a way that blogging can never be, because blogging is semi-private(at least in my case) and MySpace is your picture of yourself to the world. You can create your own reality on there, like putting on a different outfit everyday, and your status is determined, not by actual face-to-face skills in interacting with others, but by your ability to self-promote via graphics and photos and clever one-liners. Your popularity is on display for the world to see, via how many friends or comments you have. It's utterly ridiculous, but I am still enthralled with its newness to me and will probably be obsessed with it for awhile.

But enough with waxing intellectual about MySpace. I am here to blog, which feeds my soul a lot more. It's at least a little more "me" than a photo taken at a bar and a quiz about what kind of jellybean I am is. Or who knows, maybe not.

My dating life is atrocious. I went from several mediocre options to none at all in the space of about a week and a half, with no signs of turning back. Much as I complained about the drama, half-hearted efforts, deceitful seductions, at least that was SOMETHING. For the last two weeks, every night, I have been sitting on my sofa watching t.v/reading/checking my MySpace from approximately 5:00 p.m. untill 11:00 p.m. at which time I go to bed alone. My roomate has turned into Ms. Popularity/Ms. I love my awful, boring boyfriend, so she has stopped inviting me out. I think she gets mad because her jerkoff boyfriend hits on me when we go out all together. I know I'm coming off as very arrogant right now, but it is the truth. I have also been dissed by all people I counted as friends(very,very few) inexplicably. I am feeling like most annoying girl in the world.

I need to get laid, as well, but am trying not to think about this as I have finally renounced the one-night stand/first date boom-boom lifestyle. Which sucks, because I'm not even good at holding out. I was dating the most beautiful boy in the world, and everything was going really well until I drunk-dialed him the night after he made me dinner. I ended up at a party with him and his friends and playing beer pong, and then I went home with him. We had the conversation where you talk about how you're not this perfect person, in fact you have all this baggage but it's ok, b/c we both have it and we can talk about it.

And I was a merciless tease all night.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to do it. And came very close! (sorry if TMI) But for some reason I thought holding out would be better, more special. Turned out teasing him only exasperated him. And he hasn't called me since. I'm just not good at all these games! I thought dating was supposed to be fun, but all I'm getting are mini-breakups over and over. They're like real break-ups, except instead of that long-lasting dull achy-feeling in your stomach you have flashes of intense pain that last for a few days. It's pretty exhausting, actually.

And the fact that I am getting dumped by people who, at the very least, you would say are less than paper-perfect! Let's see, since January 1, I have been blown off by:

* My pretentious pothead ex-neighbor (unemployed, 6th year of college)
* The guy who fixed our furnace when it was broken after Christmas. Yeah. Seriously.
* The hottie who maybe used to have a serious drug problem and is an ex-dealer. He was at least turning his life around though.

These are the ones I meet! And I, a single, attractive, successful, funny, kind girl who is nothing but straightforward and caring cannot do any better, apparently.

So, the other issue with me is that I have very very few friends left here. I know I'm only 23, but all of my close friends have managed to leave to follow boys, or play house, or whatever. And I followed a boy to here too, but it didn't work out. So, long story short, what do I do? Do I stay here, close to my family, never taking a risk, living a very lonely and unsatisfying life?

Or do I leave, try and make it somewhere new, being lonely at first but starting over in a place where no one knows me? It's less embarrassing, for some odd reason, the idea of being lonely in a place like that, rather than in my own hometown. Feels less like failure and more like bravery.

So I'm working on it, sticking my toe in the water, looking for jobs and maybe even apartment searching. Because something big has to happen soon. I can't be resigned to my sofa forever.