Tuesday, April 3, 2007

This moment is my life

Spring has brought with it this year completely new beginnings for me. Let me just preface my news by saying that last year was not a very good year for me. I had HUGE family issues that I won't get into, I lost a few wonderful people that I worked with in a very tumultuous environment, and I had a very extended break-up with my boyfriend of two and a half years, whereby I had to leave the apartment that I loved so much and move into a spare room with no doors (hence rectified) at B.'s house. I've been treading water in my job for awhile, and if you've read my blog at all you know my dating life is nothing to write home about.

All is about to change, though. I have just been offered and accepted a job in D.C. doing Marketing and Communications for a huge association. I will be moving in a month to an unknown location somewhere in the 'burbs of D.C. and starting a completely different life. I know almost no one in D.C., and I'm very likely to get incredibly lost for a few months just about every day because of my inherited bad sense of direction. Scary? Yes. Am I freaking out a lot? Yes. BUT: as Omar Khayyam so wisely advised: "Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."

I am finally moving away from the place where I have spent most of my life and making decisions that people would qualify as brave. Sure, I know people move every day. And I moved for college (although, everyone was in the same scary boat there so it doesn't really count all that much). I have wanted to do this for a long time. And this is big for me, because I don't like change. I like comfort and routines and spontaneity only if it involves people I am comfortable with. But I told myself months ago that there was nothing holding me back here in Richmond, and that I really needed to break out and go somewhere with opportunity and lots of young, single, ambitious and fun people. I owe it to myself to at least try. And this is my moment, my time, and I try will be happy about it (as scared as I might be).

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A self-help post to myself

Things with the Actor are done. I'm a little cloudy on whether he was seeing someone else and pushed me away, or whether he realized we were getting too close and pushed me away, but it doesn't matter all that much. I know that I was wasting my time anyway. It's all good and fun to have a summer vacation fling, or even every so often that "I just need to get laid so get me to the Bar, stat" fling, but a fling+emotions+a cross-country move=disaster waiting to happen.

Either way, it's focus time. I am done with dating, at least momentarily. It occurred to me after things with The Actor abruptly ended that I have been flitting from one person to the next with no real clue of what I'm looking for in my own life or where I'm going. I might be able to tell you some qualities that I want in a man, but a guy not being in possession of those qualities doesn't usually stop me from "giving someone a chance."

You know what, I realize this is my fault. On Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Esteem comes after Love/Belonging. So technically, I'm right to keep being stuck on trying to find love before I worry about personal/professional success. But here's the Catch 22: men want a woman who already has confidence in herself and passion for something other than him, i.e. she has reached success on the "Esteem" level. I am aware that I have somewhat confused where "love" is supposed to be on these levels and maybe I've put "love" up there with "Esteem" and am sort of basing some of my measure of success on that level with how well I am doing in the dating world. I have dated a good 20 guys since last August when I broke up with the ex (and no, I didn't sleep with most of them, I'll have you know), and I need a break.

Not good. Basically I think I need to work on myself a little. I am going out with four different groups of people the next four nights in a row, and there is not one romantic prospect in sight. I have an interview in D.C. at the end of next week that I am excited and nervous and scared about. I am going to surround myself with people who like, love, or at least are mildly amused by me until I get out of this hellhole that is my job and do more than wait to be swept off my feet by the next Average Joe that walks around the corner. So I've composed a list of things I need to work on for ME, because I think I , like most women, focus A LOT on pleasing other people:

1.) Learn to breathe and take things one day at a time. You are not under as much pressure as you think you are.

2.) Wait for the right job. You do have a good skill set, charming personality, flexibility, and loyalty, and you CAN hold out until you find something fabulous.

3.) On that note, stop doubting yourself, period. If your friends drop off the earth for a few days they still care about you, they're just dealing with their own stuff.

4.) You are a good catch. You are smart, educated, pretty, funny, have a good job and are independent (well, mostly) and know how to have fun. You are leaps and bounds ahead of most people your age.

5.) Don't settle for some jerk who lives at home, is unemployed, is untrustworthy, leaves you hanging, or makes you feel like you have to chase him for his attention.

6.) Spend less time out at the bars. Feeling like shit the next day after a wild night that you can't remember that well is not helping your career, your body, or your love life. You'll save money, too.

So that's a pretty good list for now. I feel better already.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Ms. Cranky Pants

I am having a bad day and am in a bad mood. I wish I was British and then I could say things like "I'm in a right foul mood" or "I've got my knickers in a bunch so piss off" but I'm not, so I can't. But that's how I feel.

1.) I think The Actor is dating someone else. He didn't call me on Wednesday, then last night I called him and he said he was hanging out with the same guy he was supposed to be hanging out with on Wednesday. Not a good sign. Also realize that it is a problem that I am concerned he is seeing someone else. Had a good long talk with myself last night and reminded myself that he is:
a.) not my boyfriend
b.) not in love with me
c.) not going to be here in two months

2.) My windshield that I got 2 months ago is leaking and my car smells like mold. Looked at the receipt this morning and quel surprise!....a thirty day warranty.

3.) My hair is frizzy because the beautiful 80 degree weather we've been having the last few days has morphed into freezing cold rain.

4.) My times for the St. Patty's day celebration/festival/drinking extravaganza tomorrow got mixed up. Told several people the wrong times and got snippy with my roomate for failing to articulate the correct times initially.

5.) Have to come in to work tomorrow to host a college reporter. On St. Patty's day. At
10:00 a.m. On the plus side, I don't think I'll be drunk at that point.

6.) Slept on my shoulder wrong. Also I am hungry and it's still an hour or so till lunch. And I have a headache

7.) Am well aware of how today's attitude may carry over into tonight's birthday thing with The Actor and his friends. He hasn't seen my cranky pants side yet and I don't think it would be wise to bring this into play two weeks into our dating and in front of his friends. Also, I need to be careful to not get drunk and accuse him of seeing someone else.

Cheer me up please :(

Monday, March 12, 2007

In a Perfect World

I've been debating whether or not to blog about this new guy that I'm seeing. He has officially made it over a week in my life, and I like him very very much, but it seems like every time I blog about a boy he disappears. And that is embarrassing to me, and kinda makes me look like I meet a new guy every week. Which is kinda true, but I am not the one deciding things should end in a week.

But I can't face disappointing the three people who might actually read my blog, so I must soldier on. I met the Actor at the dodgeball bar two Thursdays ago. My roommate B. plays in an intramural sports league and it's dodgeball season! Dodgeball terrifies me, I was never the fastest kid and was not picked very often, so it brings up old humiliations. Plus I throw like a girl.

Anyways, I met the Actor the same night all that crap with Dodgeball guy (see last post) started. I may have made out with him in front of the bar, I may not have. I'm not saying anything else about it.

He is very California. I mean you look at him and you know this is no Virginian. His hair is perfect and his highlights are better than mine. He wears vintage t-shirts and cowboy boots and bootleg jeans and aviator sunglasses. He is laid back and appears to be flirting with everyone, so his sexuality is often questioned. Plus he drives a Scion, which can't help matters. He wants to be an actor and is from San Francisco.

You just don't meet people like this where I'm from. We've been hanging out a lot, I'd say once every 3 days to once every other day. The first night we went out he took me to a Cuban restaurant and we had mojitos and he sat on the same side of the booth as me and bought me flowers from a street vendor. He was funny and had a lot of stories and asked all the right questions.

The next time we hung out we went out for sushi. He made fun of my chopsticks skills and mentioned that he might be moving back to California if he was signed with the agency he wanted into. Apparently there aren't a lot of acting gigs (at least in movies) in Virginia.

Now we've hung out three more times since then. Last Thursday we returned to dodgeball bar, where inconveniently enough Dodgeball guy was not there to get it through his head that I was unavailable and to stop e-mailing me. Friday we hung out at my mom's since I am house sitting this week and watched movies and made out and went to Barnes and Noble. Sunday we went to Arby's and watched A Perfect World with Kevin Costner. He told me on Friday that he got the job in CA and will be moving back in about 2-3 months.

Shit shit shit. I finally meet someone good and I can tell that it's different, that there's a comfort level there and a sense of happiness just being around one another and you know, ease, that is so different from where I've been in such a long time, and he's going to leave and move 3000 miles away. I

know it's not the be all and end all, and I am trying my best to continue to meet other people because it might hurt a little less when he leaves, but it's very hard. I don't truthfully want to meet anyone else...and I know it's very early yet and a lot can happen in a couple of months and I'm in that googly-eyed-spend-all-your-time-together first stage, but still. It sucks. And it really sucks because I KNOW what I am doing to myself. I know I am setting myself up for such disappointment, but I can't stop! I just want to spend as much time with him as possible before he goes.

Also I need to gather secrets on him for when he becomes famous so I can write my tell-all memoirs.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Is e-mailing cheating?

I had met Dodgeball guy a couple of times out at the bar. Cute, scruffy, always checked me out but never really talked to me until last Thursday. I thought he was just shy, so I struck up a conversation while out with B. last week before her dodgeball game. He seemed interested, interesting, and had some potential, so i casually mentioned that I thought Dodgeball Boy was cute to B. in the bathroom:

Her: He has a girlfriend.

Me: That's cool, I just didn't know. Like a serious girlfriend? (I know, I am a total bitch)

Her: Yes, and she'll be here later.

Okkkkayyy then. Decided that was a bud that definitely needed nipping. Except that he kept coming up to me. I was introduced to the girlfriend, who was nice but suspicious (rightfully so I guess). Later, after he left, I was confronted by her in that "I'm trying to be a cool girl and act like I don't care and we're best friends as long as you don't fuck my man you stupid whore" kind of way. I appropriately responded:

"I would never do that, girlfriend! I just didn't know, and we're totally cool."

I thought that was the end of it. Not to be so.....

I had a message on Myspace the next day from him, apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye and saying that he had had fun talking to me, and asking if I would still give him a tour of where I work. I responded in a friendly but distant manner, replying that of course I would still give him a tour anytime and that I had to run. Except, I made one little teeny mistake: I gave him my phone number. Why I did this, I don't know. Maybe to say, "hey, i know you're with someone now, but if you ever aren't....." Or maybe just because I thought offering to give someone a tour and not giving them your contact info was rude and kinda fake. I don't know. Either way, that's not the message he got, I can assure you.

Of course, he called that night (I knew I should never pick up numbers I don't recognize, dammit!) I talked for awhile, and when he asked me to hang out, I definitely stopped things right there:

Me: What's up with you and your girlfriend? Are you breaking up or something?

Him: It's looking that way....we've been fighting a lot lately.

Me: Well if hanging out with me is something you wouldn't tell your girlfriend about, then I'm not really cool with that. I'm not that kind of person.

Him: So you're saying I can't really pursue anything until I'm done with that relationship?

Exactly, Einstein. So I thought that I had finally done the "I'm nice to flirt with , but not a homewrecker" thing. But here's the problem: the e-mails haven't stopped. He's been chatty, not coming on or anything, just friendly and conversational. But I can't help but feel like I'm doing something a little wrong. Does she know about this? Probably not. Am I flirting with him or just being friendly? Friendly, I think, but because she doesn't know is that by its very nature flirting?

And, is he just a nice guy who is lonely in his relationship and needs some friendship? OR, is he trying to keep someone (me) on the back burner until he decides that he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore? I mean, he could be having cyber sex with someone in a chat room...is that more or less cheating than a few friendly e-mails with someone you know?

Je ne sais pas....but I have a feeling I'm in dangerous territory.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sushi and Baron Munchausen

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back in the game. At least that's what I'm telling myself, for now. After weeks of lackluster love stories and no real spark with anyone (since the most Beautiful Boy alive), I have finally had a good first date!

Now I know, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. But there is no better feeling than waking up the day after a great first date and feeling all excited and nervous and mushy inside. It's a much heightened version of when you meet someone and give your number to him or her and wonder if he/she will call. It's like Christmas morning and you are waiting to go downstairs and open your presents.

Jesus I hope I'm not getting all mushy for nothing. This is what years of bad dates that never stop calling and great dates that never call will do to you. So here goes:

I ran into an old friend this Tuesday who I knew from my very first job many years ago. I didn't remember his name, but I did remember his friend's name, The Bartender, who used to come in and visit him all the time. Keep in mind we're talking seven years ago or so, so I remember very little about this guy except that I used to have a huge crush on him and he was very funny, and never asked me out.

Well I gave him my phone number, and exciting late night texts ensued (no, not that exciting, dirty mind)

Him: So if had asked you our years ago, what would you have said?

Me: I would have said yes.

Him: That sucks, I never thought you were interested in me

Me: Whatever I always had a thing for you ;)

Him: So what would you think about us hanging out now?

Me: I would be interested in that.

Him: Awesome....so what about Thursday?

Me: Sounds good :)

So I've been waiting impatiently for last night to be over before I posted again because a.) I wanted good material and b.) In case I got stood up I didn't want you all to know about it.

Here's how it went:

We decided to meet up at his house and then I would ride with him. Got there and his house was clean and smelled good, which is always a plus. We go out for sushi, which is great, and laugh a lot about the over-attentive wait-staff( we had like 3 servers) and the fact that I was given training-wheel chopsticks. In fact we laugh a lot in general, as he takes himself less seriously than many people I date and is very witty. Does notice that I am slightly self-conscious(points against me), but opens the car door for me when we leave (of course, I try to reopen the other side and end up locking it)and pays without letting me see the check.

The whole date was kinda like that...funny and comfortable, but enough awkwardness to know that it was definitely a first date. He kinda babbled a little bit, which I think shows he was a little nervous in a cute and good way. We talked about my obsession with karaoke and our mutual obsession with Heroes.

We were going to go to a movie afterward but got out of dinner in that awkward in-between movie time, 8:00, so we went out for ice-cream and then went back to his apartment down the street to hang out until the movie started. I met his roommate and then I played wii for the first time, which I was of course not good at (being bad at video games and sports), but he was appropriately patient with me and didn't crush me too badly at wii tennis or bowling. At this point we're passed the idea of going to the movie (terrible movie week anyway) and decide to watch a fun 80's classic he had just picked up:

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. That's right. See, and I really like this about him. I love campy 80's movies, and I love that he loves them without a bit of self-consciousness. My favorite part is where the bumbling and awkward Vulcan squeezes a diamond out of coal for Venus Uma Thurman. Anyways.

Neither of us realized exactly how weird that movie really was though. I mean, it is out there. Robin Williams is the King of the Moon whose head won't stay attached to his body(after more earthly, achem, 'pursuits') and just in general a lot of craziness. At some point we ended up doing some cuddling (very pg rated). He is one of those playful flirting guys, who likes messing up a girl's hair and hitting her with pillows and plays footsie, but then tells her her hair smells good.

You know, more and more I'm realizing what a big kid this guy is. Not that that's a bad thing, just different for me. Usually I date guys who think they are grown-up and act pretentious but yet still behave like 4 year-olds when it comes to intimacy.

But we never got to the kiss in the midst of all of this! There were several opportune moments that neither of us jumped on. Then it was all of a sudden really late and I had to go and we shared a hug at the door and I could just feel the awkwardness of "will we kiss" in the air. Then we both kinda went for it, and bumped noses a little bit and I pulled away a little too fast and there was no tongue but it wasn't exactly a peck either.

Yeah so that was weird. We will just have to see what happens.......

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Flood

Last night I dreamed about a flood. A huge, sweeping flood filled with debris that swept me and whoever else away and lasted for days and days. This was a flood of biblical proportions. I don't remember dying in my dream, just a huge sense of fear and hopelessness.

I rarely remember my dreams, so this occurrence is fairly significant in my mind. This morning when I got to work I immediately consulted a couple of online dream dictionaries. Here's what they had to say:


To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood for indications of where in your waking life may a situation be the source of stress and tension.

Dream Central's Dream Dictionary:

If the flood was gentle and the water clear you will soon see an end to all the worries that have been plaguing you about a certain matter. but if the water was angry and muddy this denotes that you will have great trials and tribulations in life. If the water does not drown you, you will eventually win out over your adversaries. If you are swept away by the flood, then that is a warning that someone is trying to use you.

In all cases, a flood is not a good thing to dream about. It occurred to me then that the last couple of times I went out drinking I ended the night as an emotional wreck. I rarely get sick anymore when I go out and I'm rarely sloppy. In fact, mostly I'm a happy, silly drunk. So breaking down for no apparent reason on both Thursday and Sunday was a little strange for me. Now in the context of this dream I'm a little concerned.

I'm always the strong one in my family, the rock, the glue that holds us all together. I am the responsible one, the mature one, the well-balanced one. I'm always the one who handles things well. So when I had several huge life changes at the end of last summer, I held it together yet again. Someone very close to me came out as a drug addict and went into detox. That same week I ended it with my boyfriend of two and a half years and moved out of the apartment that I loved and into my friend B's bedroom until we could install doors on the empty dining room in her house. Then the one who admitted she was a drug addict tried to kill herself. I won't bore you with all the details, but let me just stress that my entire life changed in a matter of weeks, and it was very scary in theory. I was strangely calm through all of this turmoil, and an outsider would probably have thought I was a little heartless watching the way I changed my closest relationships so easily. I couldn't even make myself cry that much. In retrospect I knew I was trying desperately to hold onto my sanity so I could still be that strong woman who could handle anything.

Trouble is, I never dealt with any of this. By the time things were a little more calm and smoothed out, I kinda convinced myself I was over all of it and that there was nothing left to work through. I guess that wasn't the best idea, as now apparently I have completely repressed my emotions and they only surface when I am a.) really drunk or b.) asleep. And now I'm trying to invoke a completely new life change by finding a great job and moving away from this city, and I'm scared again.

Maybe I need a therapist. I don't think I want a therapist, but I don't think that I'm handling my issues at all anymore, just plowing through them. And while that may make me look strong and capable, it really makes me weaker in the end.