Apparently I'm not as clever as I thought (who knew?)

Why is it that we are so utterly inept at figuring other people out? I used to think I was a good judge of character, and also at reading signals. Turns out I suck at both.

Drummer Boy never called. Neither did the Writer. Within 24 hours both of them had totally disappeared out of my world. It's a concept that is hard to get used to as a single person. When you are coupled up, weeks and months can coast by without much change. You might fight more, or less, or have sex more, or less, but the other person is a constant. Your world is not constantly shifting from one week to the next. I feel like I'm in middle school again, where "going out" long-term meant more than two weeks of awkward french kisses and attempted groping.
On the other hand, I'm surprised that I don't care that much about either one disappearing, except for as it relates to my own self image. I guess a great date does not a true connection make. I thought that there had been chemistry between Drummer boy and I, but I also thought two martinis and two mixed drinks was a good idea for a first date.

I need sooo much work.


I did hear from Biker Boy, the source of all my single angst and target of the rant letter last week. I had deleted him from my phone, and picked up without recognizing the number when he called yesterday.

Who am I kidding? God I even want to lie about my pathetic-ness to my blog. I knew the number by heart. We had a real conversation, in which he revealed not being about to get me out of his head (true for me as well) and of course he said lots of nice things and wanted to get together and you know what? It felt really good. And I may be blogging in a week or day about how he screwed me over yet again, but part of me really wants to believe that he is a good person who truly wants to be with me but is just so fucked up and complicated and damaged that it is close to impossible for him to just let go and trust me.

But even if that's true, is that what I want? A fixer-upper? Despite all the baggage and broken promises and early drama I still feel a connection to this person that prevents him from leaving my thoughts. Am I self-destructive? No. My roommate said that the problem is that I want to believe in the good in everyone, that I have such a good heart that I want to reach out and help him. But I know that's not my job. Everyone doesn't always have it together, and part of being in a relationship is knowing you can lean on another without fear they will pull out the chair from under you. I'm not sure if I'll ever be there with Biker Boy. I'm not sure if he'll ever have it together, and I'm not sure if I'M even ready for that kind of trust and self-disclosure.

I know I'm supposed to have fun with not being sure. Tell me when that part is supposed to start.

The usual heart and head battle

It’s taking everything in my brain right now not to pick up the phone and call and say “Yes! I miss you too!” but I have to keep telling myself that it is all bullshit. Maybe he doesn’t hurt me maliciously, but he certainly hurts me through his carelessness and lack of concern for anyone but himself. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t open up to him and have him disappear again and I have told him this.

Why do some people seem to love drama? I mean, I don’t even really know him. We talked on the phone a lot, hung out very little (like 4 times in the last month and a half). At the same time, I know I felt (and I’m pretty sure he felt) something very special between us, some kind of connection that kept sending me back for more and making me want him to get it together so that we could actually have something real. But he just kept fucking it up, and I get this random text message a week after the last time we spoke that says “I miss you.”

When we spoke last it’s because I sent him a last-ditch effort text saying “I miss you and I wish I didn’t because you have hurt me already and will continue to do so.” And then he called and we talked and I asked him if he still wanted me to go to New York with him that upcoming weekend. He told me he might have lung cancer and had to go to the Doctor the next week, and said we would talk about NY later. I asked him to come over after he was done with his friends and he didn’t. Instead, he texted me at 3:30 a.m. and I chided him for driving home drunk. I called him the next day to talk about New York. He didn’t answer and never called me back.

I was on my way to forgetting him when I got this text. Does it tear me up because I believe he’s capable of so much more? Is he a good guy who is scared of getting too close? Is he the most manipulative and cold-hearted jerk-off I’ve ever dated? Or is he just so self-involved he can’t step back and see that this is hurting me and it would be better if he just went away?

I just don’t understand why I am so much more vulnerable to him than to the other guys that I have dated. Maybe because he was so honest at first and it seemed like he wasn’t looking for bullshit.

I need to live in a self-imposed drama free zone right now. But the truth is that I do miss him. I just have to realize that our instant intimacy couldn’t have been real. It’s just something we both desperately wanted.

I wish Drummer Boy would call right now. Also, it doesn't help that I was blown off by the Writer last night.

Wisely, and slow. They stumble that run fast.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. For a disillusioned dater like myself, even one good date can mean everything or nothing, and I'm honestly feeling like it's about damn time I had some good karma thrown my way. But allow me to back up for just a minute....

Things have been ok with the Writer. He was the last "promising guy" on the horizon, and I have to say he's doing ok so far. Although it's sort of hard to judge, since I have such low expectations at this point for men (sounds bitter and jaded, but I promise it gets better). First of all, he has a nasty drunk dialing habit. Never fails, I've gotten calls at least 4 times from him after midnight. Also, he can carry on a conversation, but I'm not sure he talks about the kind of things I want to talk about.

For instance, last week, him, me and my roomate went out for dinner and drinks at this swanky Irish pub (and if you think that's an oxymoron, then you are right). I had warned my roomate NOT to talk about football with him, as they are both huge fans, but most of the night turned into my education on the merits of the game, and how can I NOT like it, and blah blah blah. Also, he didn't pay. And he hasn't paid, ever. Except for one drink, one time, last weekend, when I picked him up drunk at 1:30 from the bar where he works (he spends an inordinate amount of time at this place) and I had to ask. Wow he sounds SO great on paper.

On the other hand, he is witty, affectionate, ambitious, a free spirit, kind, intelligent, and actually apologizes for the drunk dials. So he has possibility...I'm just think I've found someone who falls into the "not in the same place in life as me" category. He's still in school and parties too much, and all the witticisms in the world can't make up for not being ready for something more.

Now, I'm probably one of the most liberal people you could meet, so I believe in a woman taking care of herself, paving her own way, and not depending on a man for financial security. It's not that I can't afford to buy myself a drink. Somewhere inside my liberated woman brain exists a girl who's just crying out for a Southern gentleman. Someone who opens doors, kisses my hand, insists on paying for dinner, and buys me flowers for occasions other than deaths or apologies. The stuff romantic comedies are made of...

Ok ok so this is what I'm really excited about: Drummer Boy. I worked with him long long ago at my very first job and I had the BIGGEST crush on him. I even took him to homecoming sophmore year. Unfortunately, the feeling was not mutual, or he just had no cajones back then. I lured him back after the dance to my parent's basement, where I was hoping for a heavy makeout session. Alas, said romance never occured, and shortly after Drummer Boy went away, never to be seen again.

Until.....right before Thanksgiving. The same night I met the Writer I recognized Drummer Boy in the crowd. We chatted, I gave him my number, and promptly forgot that I had even run into him until he called a couple of days later. The conversation was slightly awkward, to say the least. What do you talk about with someone you used to know, have nothing and no one in common with anymore, and you might be interested in? You can't talk about relationships, obviously. On the phone at least, you can't just start from scratch. You have to rely on shared connections, of which we had very few. I told him to call me sometime but it had been two weeks last night and not a text or call in sight.

I had a big presentation at work yesterday, and I HATE speaking in public. Wired after my presentation, I went home feeling a lot braver than I usually do without alcohol, and I decided to call him. I figured, either way at least I'll know I have cajones of my own. We agreed to meet up for a drink after he got off of work at 8. I was in!

I have to say I was a lot more nervous about this date than I've been in awhile. Would I be able to reconcile our awkward past? Would our conversation overcome the aforementioned lack of topics? Would he be taller? (too drunk to notice the other week) I tried to have as few expectations as possible. I can't go down that frustrating road again...

But surprise, surprise. It was the ALMOST PERFECT first date. No awkward moments. Great conversation. Mutual interests, and mutual interest in each other. He asked me questions about myself. He made me laugh and called me sexy. He wasn't taller, but he was more confident and still as cute as I remembered. He asked me out for Sunday before the date was even over and he paid for the whole bill. He even walked me to my car, where he gave me a hug. I wish he had tried to kiss me though. Dammit I've been waiting seven years for that kiss! I still need to be cautious though, but part of me just wants to just fall in and enjoy it.

I think it should be against the rules to repeat a crush.