The usual heart and head battle

It’s taking everything in my brain right now not to pick up the phone and call and say “Yes! I miss you too!” but I have to keep telling myself that it is all bullshit. Maybe he doesn’t hurt me maliciously, but he certainly hurts me through his carelessness and lack of concern for anyone but himself. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t open up to him and have him disappear again and I have told him this.

Why do some people seem to love drama? I mean, I don’t even really know him. We talked on the phone a lot, hung out very little (like 4 times in the last month and a half). At the same time, I know I felt (and I’m pretty sure he felt) something very special between us, some kind of connection that kept sending me back for more and making me want him to get it together so that we could actually have something real. But he just kept fucking it up, and I get this random text message a week after the last time we spoke that says “I miss you.”

When we spoke last it’s because I sent him a last-ditch effort text saying “I miss you and I wish I didn’t because you have hurt me already and will continue to do so.” And then he called and we talked and I asked him if he still wanted me to go to New York with him that upcoming weekend. He told me he might have lung cancer and had to go to the Doctor the next week, and said we would talk about NY later. I asked him to come over after he was done with his friends and he didn’t. Instead, he texted me at 3:30 a.m. and I chided him for driving home drunk. I called him the next day to talk about New York. He didn’t answer and never called me back.

I was on my way to forgetting him when I got this text. Does it tear me up because I believe he’s capable of so much more? Is he a good guy who is scared of getting too close? Is he the most manipulative and cold-hearted jerk-off I’ve ever dated? Or is he just so self-involved he can’t step back and see that this is hurting me and it would be better if he just went away?

I just don’t understand why I am so much more vulnerable to him than to the other guys that I have dated. Maybe because he was so honest at first and it seemed like he wasn’t looking for bullshit.

I need to live in a self-imposed drama free zone right now. But the truth is that I do miss him. I just have to realize that our instant intimacy couldn’t have been real. It’s just something we both desperately wanted.

I wish Drummer Boy would call right now. Also, it doesn't help that I was blown off by the Writer last night.