Why is it that we are so utterly inept at figuring other people out? I used to think I was a good judge of character, and also at reading signals. Turns out I suck at both.
Drummer Boy never called. Neither did the Writer. Within 24 hours both of them had totally disappeared out of my world. It's a concept that is hard to get used to as a single person. When you are coupled up, weeks and months can coast by without much change. You might fight more, or less, or have sex more, or less, but the other person is a constant. Your world is not constantly shifting from one week to the next. I feel like I'm in middle school again, where "going out" long-term meant more than two weeks of awkward french kisses and attempted groping.
On the other hand, I'm surprised that I don't care that much about either one disappearing, except for as it relates to my own self image. I guess a great date does not a true connection make. I thought that there had been chemistry between Drummer boy and I, but I also thought two martinis and two mixed drinks was a good idea for a first date.
I need sooo much work.
I did hear from Biker Boy, the source of all my single angst and target of the rant letter last week. I had deleted him from my phone, and picked up without recognizing the number when he called yesterday.
Who am I kidding? God I even want to lie about my pathetic-ness to my blog. I knew the number by heart. We had a real conversation, in which he revealed not being about to get me out of his head (true for me as well) and of course he said lots of nice things and wanted to get together and you know what? It felt really good. And I may be blogging in a week or day about how he screwed me over yet again, but part of me really wants to believe that he is a good person who truly wants to be with me but is just so fucked up and complicated and damaged that it is close to impossible for him to just let go and trust me.
But even if that's true, is that what I want? A fixer-upper? Despite all the baggage and broken promises and early drama I still feel a connection to this person that prevents him from leaving my thoughts. Am I self-destructive? No. My roommate said that the problem is that I want to believe in the good in everyone, that I have such a good heart that I want to reach out and help him. But I know that's not my job. Everyone doesn't always have it together, and part of being in a relationship is knowing you can lean on another without fear they will pull out the chair from under you. I'm not sure if I'll ever be there with Biker Boy. I'm not sure if he'll ever have it together, and I'm not sure if I'M even ready for that kind of trust and self-disclosure.
I know I'm supposed to have fun with not being sure. Tell me when that part is supposed to start.
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