Oh what tangled webs we weave

I'm not sure how I became such an idiot at dating. Probably it began with my first serious boyfriend, who after 6 months of heated, unrequited lust I finally had sex with, after which he left for the military. We exchanged love letters for months, but somehow my 16-year old self knew there was more out there than him.

Or not. My next boyfriend, a bit of a control freak, lasted through one semester of college. He was too insecure, and I needed to get out there and explore. Lo and behold, I didn't find that love of my life at a University where anyone could literally go out any day of the week and find a different sexual conquest. Being a little insecure myself, I eventually went back to the insecure boy, who in an ironic twist of fate was eager to sow his wild oats (while I cooked and cleaned and generally played Mommy). I believe this relationship has taught me to seek the company of sexually aggressive and emotionally unavailable men. Or something like that.

So now I'm on my own again. And if I thought dating was tricky in college, it's much harder in the "real world." For starters, where does one meet people? Most of my friends are coupled up, I don't work in a hip, cool place where I'd be likely to run into that Jake Gyllenhaal lookalike I'm searching for, and I refuse to attend church just to land a man (pretty sure God wouldn't like that too much). So I'm resigned to meeting single guys at the bar. I'm sure you can sense the potential problems with this particular strategy:

a.) I'm not myself, just some crazy drunk girl who tends to lose things
b.) They are not themselves, just horny drunk guys trying their best to get laid

We don't have a shot in hell.

Mostly I meet students from the local University, smart (or not so smart) artsy types who always play guitar and may or may not call. But I am dating one guy in particular who is driving me absolutely insane. And of course, it's all my fault because I let the extenuating circumstances from his life (baggage from a divorce, a busy life, a child) affect how I view his increasingly bad behavior.

The night before last I was stood up again for the second or third time by Biker Boy (motorcycle, not a bike bike). We were supposed to go to dinner according to our 2:30 plans. 6:30 rolls around, I'm hungry so I call and leave a message, 7:00 he calls back and delays because "he has to go get an X-mas tree for his son." Plans or not, how am I supposed to compete with that? He says give him an hour, my phone finally rings at 11:30. I may have turned into super bitch at this point, but who could blame me?

Accountability is very important to me. He called me yesterday, blew up my phone in fact. He was near my house and wanted to come over and pick me up and take me out and "have a talk." I was out though, and although his remorse sounded genuine when I called him this morning claiming to be free to talk tonight he has to pick up his son, of course. Maybe I'm just not good at sharing, but I feel like you should see someone you're dating more than once every three weeks, extenuating circumstances notwithstanding. Who knows? We'll see how our plans on Thursday work out, especially as I'm meeting a friend for martinis beforehand.

There is one kinda promising guy on the horizon though. Smart, student, independent, optimistic, sarcastic, funny, a little too sexually aggressive (how can I get him to ease up and be a little gentle??? because seriously I'm getting hickeys, and past the ninth grade that's a mark of trash), very cute. Doesn't seem like I can count on him for the long term because he is still in school and a very adventurous guy. I can see him going places for sure, but not with someone else hanging on. Although he has been remarkably attentive these last few days, so who knows?

It amazes me how hard it is to even find one guy who's good on paper to go out with, but again I think it's the bar scene. And also I think the "good" guys (good looking good job good family good personality) know they are few and far between, so they can go for girls far more beautiful than me and easily get them. Not that I'm unattractive, far from it, but I'm nowhere close to 100 girls I see everyday about town.

This post is too chaotic. I just pray I don't settle for someone. After all if I wanted to settle for mediocrity and rudeness I could have stayed and played house with my ex.